i hate you (not really......)

I should have seen this coming. The love for McQueen, gossip girl, lady gaga, lea michele. It was too good to be true. As the random people in a show for my scene study class say "just tooo too good". I didn't care if he was gay as long as he had time to makeout  with me first. When I first met him i thought he was gay. but then he had a girlfriend. Lots of gay men have girlfriends, my aunt's boyfriend turned gay on her, so did my friends. But still, it's not like this was a HUUUGE FUCKING SURPRISE. I mean, honestly? Who was I kidding? MEN SUCK. Sometimes people say that happiness is like all about perspective. So I guess I could say, maybe it's better this way. 'Cause ya know I've always wanted a gay friend and we're really close so that's pretty damn spiffy. And he'll watch (500) days of summer with me. Maybe he was my summer. But he's not a chick, but yeah.

Men were created for the destruction, obsession, passion, mortification, humiliation, fornification, suffocation and elation of women and gays. Besides, according to a random facebook quiz, i'm the "troubled kind of love". Which means that it takes someone equally phsycotic to love me, which doesn't happen.
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BUT. I still have a crew of super spiffy beyond amazing friends to help me through this. I love 'em all sooooooooo much! Because they do things like make me cookies for my birthday, and donate to seals in my name, and pool together to buy me vogue! <3

SO AS THE OLD ADDAGE GOES:

BROS BEFORE HOES! (OR CHICKS BEFORE DICKS BUT, THE FIRST ONE RHYMED)

parfettia

I fucking love being home alone. Life would be perfect if i could just chill in my baggy sweatpants that don't stay up and my slutty sweater that also won't stay up. I'm not even kidding you, I love this way too much for my own good. I have homework to do and hair to wash and make up to put on. But i'm just blogging. And blasting crystal castles...
Who I love btw, just look them up please. please. please. Cause they are so amazzzzzing it's beyond. Seriously. Alice should be like in a mental institution, the only way she isn't is cause she's in a band. When she met the dude that makes all their little bleep bleep noises, she was high as a kite. She always is. In  interviews she just sits there and smokes. And drinks. She got busted at her own show for underage drinking. On stage she like has a siezure...she's like possessed and just like humps strobe lights and throws herself into the crowd. According to my Bobbi brown teen make up book i should find a role model who looks like me.

I think I've found her. Never mind that she's a twenty two year old druggie who's possibly manic. P.S this is what u get for telling me 2 not use liquid foundation. Thanks bobbi
GOOO NATURAL BEAUTY!

Becoming a free Bitch/ A love letter to gaga

On March 1, 2011 a mere six days after I get back from New York, (sidenote: IM GOING TO NEW YORK FUCKING CITY!!!!! I'M FINALLY GETTING OUT OF HERE!), I'm going to see Lady Gaga. It will be epic. She will be on my fucking turf! She will see *my* sights, and hear *my* sounds. SHE WILL BE LIKE TEN MINUTES FROM THE HAUS OF ROSIE! It's gonna be so wierd. I've never had anyone this famous so close. And she's coming right from Chicago, which means she'll probably take the route that I've traveled around 14000 times in the last fourteen years.  And she'll probably pass Chesterton, and that obnoxiously huge billboard for a porn store that always lets me know we're in Indiana, and that random panera, which is classy  but not *too* classy. Oh and she'll pass that sketchy taco bell/kfc combo truck stop thing that I always think I'll get mugged by a trucker in! Can you tell I'm excited?!

Anyway, apparently her show is supposed to be part exorcisim, and part massive party. It's supposed to liberate from all your monsters and skeletons and burdens. But the thing is, I don't think Gaga can clear up all my self doubt and whatnot, so I decided to work on this whole concept of "body fat is okay" and "you don't suck that bad" before I go to her show. Because if I meet Gaga after her show at 4.A.M, I don't want to come to her as this insecure neurotic, stick skinny, mess of insecurities sobbing and thanking her for saving me. I want to come to her as a monster who is okay with being one, and instead of telling her how she saved me, I want to tell her how she slapped me in the face and forced me to save myself.

I've always had wierd wieght and food issues. Lady Gaga said her main monsters are her fears of love, sex, and alcohol. My "monster" is a singular thing, food. I have always hated food. When I was eleven I got this insane flu type thing, I spent the whole night in bed begging god to just please make me puke it all up. The next day, it occured to me that it wasn't my immune system, or my lack of sleep that did this to me, it was food. In my little eleven year old mind I somehow conjured up the idea that if I didn't eat, I wouldn't get sick. So that's what I did, I stopped eating and took tiny little bird bites of food. I remember eating miniture bites of key lime yogurt, and peanut butter toast. I remember staring at myself in the mirror, topless. I remember seeing my flat chest, and every single one of my ribs poking through my pale translucent skin, and running my hands up and down them. I remember being less than sixty pounds.

Now eventually things got better, and I actually remembered that food was good. But most of it has never gone away. Shortly after I lost the wieght, I gained like ten pounds. I had no idea what to do, what were these things called "thighs"? Why is there a thin layer of *fat* on my stomach? These questions trouble me day to day, as I pierouette in the mirror and turn to see if you can see my shoulder blades.  So now, thanks to Gaga, I'm going to attempt to be a little less neurotic, and  a bit more of a free bitch. I'm going look in the mirror without pinching my thighs, or at least, try.

wow it only took forty eight hours

and I'm ALREADY having a mental break down and praying to lady gaga. Srsly, high school? According to Degrassi I'm supposed to be either doing drugs or making out in a closet.  I hate this. You know what I want? A 300 dollar gift card to Sephora. Yeah that'd be nice, or a chance to sleep in. Or eye make up remover, since my mascara smudged.

How To: clean your brushes

Did y'all know that your actually supposed to CLEAN your make up brushes? Yep. I know, I was shocked too. But lets put it this way, make up brushes are like sports equipment. You need to keep them in good condition so they can do do their job properly and help you perform at your absolute best. This means, that once they get dirty or broken, you fix them.

There are two methoods for cleaning your brushes, the one used for actual BRUSHES, and the one used for powder puffs. In this post, I will teach you each methood. Let's start with actual brushes.

HOW TO: CLEAN YOUR MAKE UP BRUSHES

SUPPLIES NEEDED: 1 kitchen towel, 1 bottle of LIQUID DISH SOAP, WARM WATER

1. Squirt a small bit of liquid dish soap onto the bristles of the brush

2. Work the dish soap into the bristles by massaging it into them

3. Hold the brush under warm water, continue to massage the bristles

4. Add more liquid dish soap as needed, continue to massage bristles and hold under water

5. Set on towel and leave out to dry

HOW TO: CLEAN YOUR POWDER PUFFS

SUPPLIES NEEDED: 1 towel, 1 bottle of conditioner, warm water

1. Squirt a small bit of conditioner onto the powder puff or sponge

2. Rub it into the powder puff or sponge

3. Hold it under warm water, and continue to rub the conditioner into the puff

4. Apply more conditioner as needed, or until the powder puff returns to its origional color, free of residue from cream blush or liquid foundation.

NOTE: You don't have to clean your brushes on a weekly basis, just once and a while. Basically, if they look dirty, clean them!

Fiona Degrassi Make up How to

Okay right now I am totally obsessed with Degrassi, this cheap random canadian drama. And one of the characters, Fiona has fabulous make up. So here is a tentative outline on how to achieve her look.





1. Squirt a dime size amount of Bare Vitamins Primetime foundation primer into your palm. The purpose of primer is to help the make up stay on and last longer. Rub your hands together, and then rub your hands against your face like your applying face wash or moisturizer.





2. Squirt a small amount of maybeline mineral power liquid foundation in classic ivory onto a powder puff. Rub it into the puff with your finger, then rub the puff all over your, nose, cheecks, chin, and forehead. Repeat until you think you have enough coverage








3. Blend the makeup by rubbing your hands all over your face, in a downward motion. You can also use a special blending sponge.





4. Next apply Revlon cream blush in rosy glow to the apples of your cheeks. (smile! This helps you see them better) Do this by dipping your finger in the blush, and then smearing it in an upward motion from your cheek bones to next to your eye.

5. Blend using blending sponge.

6. Apply a thin layer of Maybeline Mineral Power Finish Viel translucent powder across your entire face. To apply, tap a small bit of powder into the lid. Dip your brush into the lid then tap off the excess, press roll and lift the brush across your entire face.

7. Apply a thin layer of powder foundation across your entire face using a foundation brush.

8. ApplyThe Body Shop powder blush in Rosy Glow to the apples of your cheeks using a laura Mercier Cheek colour blush brush. DON'T FORGET TO BLEND

9. Apply black eyeliner to the top and bottom lids. I used Tarte Empahseyes inner rim eye pencil in black.

10.Apply a white eyeshadow base up to your browbone. Fiona's eye shadow is a very light purple. So by using the white as a base, you will automatically lighten the purple you put on top. Tap the excess eye shadow into the lid.

11. Apply a light layer of purple eyshadow, on top of the white. Make sure you tap the excess into the lid before applying.

12. Apply mascara to the uper and lower lashes.

13. Using an ULTA contour lip liner in flesh, line your lips like your tracing a stencil. Then, color in your lips using the lines as guideline, like coloring a picture.

14.Apply a thin layer of light pink lipgloss. I used liplicious white hot summer crush.

c'est fin.

Mall adventure

Today I went to the mall with my bestest friend in the whole wide world, lets call her Jlang. We went to the big fancy mall like half an hour away from our houses. It had a taco bell in it, both of us thought this was a genius idea. However, we thought whoever made people wear seat belts on the carosuel was a moron. Seriously, the fun of a carousal is being perched on a bumpy plastic horse with nothing but a sweaty metal bar to cling too!!!!
This mall also had a build a bear. Jlang and I had to take advantage this, because build a bear is awesome. So we went into build a bear, and picked the cheapest bear we could find. (I wanted to get a cute black one with peace signs all over it but nooooo). We almost picked out a really cute, fluffy dog, but then we decided that since the place was named build a bear, then we should BUILD A BEAR. So in the end we picked a really cute fuzzy white bear with black eyes. Then we took it over to the stuffing station where a lady put it onto this metal bar that was connected to a giant tub 'o stuffing. And then once our bear was stuffed, we groomed it and named it Valentino.
It has been decided that Valentino will travel back and forth between us, like the traveling pants, or divorced parents. He is going to Chicago with me next week, and to Jlang's job with her cause the girl who she babysits will love him.
We also went to dElIa's. Which excited me because usually I always have to order stuff out of their catalouge. But then we saw that there was a shirt there that said "The Future Mrs. Beiber" in gross pink bubble letters with a cheap looking diamond ring cartoon. It made us want to vomit. We also covered up a Justin Beiber shirt with a Beatles one. Yup, we're slowly curing the world of Beiber Fever, one Tshirt at a time.

And then, we went to Sephora.

IT WAS EPIC. I'm not kidding you. The thing I love about make up stores is how shiny and clean they are. In Sephora every surface looked slightly translucent. It boasted tiny little chunks of store devoted to all my favorite cosmetic brands, laura mercier, Tarte, Smash Box...oh how the list goes on. The color scheme of that store was awesome too, everything was black, white or red. I don't think one of the shop assistants liked me though, she kept giving me wierd looks. The bald gay man who helped me find an eyeshadow brush was very plesant though. JLang had to drag me out of there. The nail polish was brilliant, the eyeshadow was electric, it was a cosmetic junkie's woodstock.

le sigh

I just wrote this huge long post about my Chicago adventure and felt fantastical about it, but blogger spazzed. So now I'm starting over...and just rambling.
I'm listening to Katy Perry right now. I remember when she first came out with "I Kissed a Girl" and I thought she was SO BAD ASS and awesome 'cause she wrote a song about lesbianism in a positive fun way. I was the only person in my family who liked her. My mom always used to change the station when she came on. But now she told me a few days ago that she loves California Gurls. See mom? I so told you so! My friends hated her too, come to think of it. Little twelve year old me was so ahead of the pack.

And a lot of people have been asking me how I do my eye make up. So I'm going to write it down here, like an instruction manual for your eyes!

1. put a light layer of eye primer on both eyes. Any brand works, and if you don't have eye primer that's okay! The purpose of eye primer is to help the make up stay on longer.

2. using one of those little cotton eye shadow applicators (I got a twelve pack at ULTA for $1.00)
Apply a light layer of silver eyeshadow on the ball of your eye. (it's the little bit of soft skin below your brow bone.) Cover that and nothing else, unless you want to go up to or above the brow.
3. Using a bright blue eyeshadow (similar to sky blue or turquoise) apply a small amount to highlight your brow bone. Start at your tear duct, and sweep the eyeshadow across the eye until it reaches the end of your lash line. This should be resting directly above the silver eyeshadow. If you think it's too bright, lessen the shine by blending it with more silver eyeshadow.

Next take a TARTE Emphaseyes inner rim eye pencil in black, and line inside of your waterline (the little pink part on the lower inside part of your eye). Do this twice, and only on the lower halves of your eyes.

Then, take TARTE lights, camera lashes mascara, and apply mascara to both your upper and lower lashes. Instead of a quick sweep of the mascara wand, apply your mascara in sections.

House bringage.

I was in a show recently. And I say this whilst attempting not to sound.....over confident, but i actually didn't suck. I made the audience laugh 4 times, didn't fail my quick change, and my australian accent didn't suck either. Quite simply, I feel like for once, I brought the house down, without tripping over anything.

If she goes...

If Greta goes then she gets a nice happy life on a farm. With places to run and things to chase. Someday she'll be too preoccupied with chasing chickens or whatever to remember the one who argued for days upon fucking days to just get her a bowl. She'll forget the one who named her, and petted her until she looked stoned with happiness. If Greta goes then she'll get what I always wanted, she'll go far far away from East. If Greta goes, I will stay. Stay here with the sick sadistic people that the fates placed me with. The ones who exiled her, and said that she was just too much. Too much what? Energy? Pee on carpets?
What the hell did I do? Every fucking thing that I have ever loved i just can't have. It's like the fates or god or whoever is just sitting there switching between my life and hbo reruns and "WHOOPS! Looks like she almost LOVED something there for a minute, better screw that up,". Seriously from George Harrison, to Norah, to Belle, Adam Lambert, taken theatre guys number one and two, these are just the examples from THIS YEAR of SHIT THAT I LOVED WITH MY HEART AND SOUL THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT. But this is my doggie, and I love her and I want her to stay.

bless me sister gaga! for I have sinned!

Didja see the alejandro video? Didja see the "burning cross homage to maddonna like a prayer" references? DID YOU SEE THE LATEX NUN HABIT! LADY GAGA IS A NUN. I think this is what the Mayans meant when the world was ending. I HAVE SEEN IT ALL! Who knew rosary's were edible? Or red? And what's up with THE DUDES IN HEELS? *fist pump* DRAG QUEENS IN MODERN MEDIA! GO ANDROGONY! So many questions...and mental images of my church freaking out.... whatever shall I do? Hahahahahaha I still can't get over the lady gaga in a nun's habit thing...sing it with me now "THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC!". Oh and the scene with gaga and her bra...I think it grew arms. Maybe the haus of gaga spilled some mutant panty juice on it. And what do you think about the scene where gaga is riding her back up dancer like a frickin' pony? I think we all know what that means.
Oh sister gaga! Bless me for I have sinned! *makes sign of the cross* Amen!

why I do what I do

I'm a people pleaser. I don't care how shitty I feel, if I was in a desert with one water bottle, with five other people, I'd let them go first. Because that's just what I do. I fix other people's problems for them. I bring the band aids, hold purses, and give the relationship advice. And when that advice fails, I buy water proof mascara and bad magazines. I patch up the holes and the broken hearts with duct tape and barbie band aids. I can't stand to have the people around me unhappy. I hate it. I'd rather have them be happy, and me be miserable. That's why I like make up. 'cause it patches up all the red marks and zits, and it makes you look pretty when you feel like crap. It's like a mask, nice and snug and warm. A protective shell, like a hermit crab. I like when I put on a lot of lipgloss, and it gets all thick and gooey. It's like armor for your lips. It makes me feel safe. Right now I feel wierd. Like I want to start crying and I don't know what else. I feel raw and exposed, and everything aches. I feel like I'm going explode and like i'm in handcuffs and i'm clawing and writhing around and searching for the key. I never write when I'm like this. I don't want to force my shit upon the random people of the internet. I'm private when it comes to feeling crappy. I'm like a dog, i think of showing pain as a sign of weakness. And why the hell am I writing this? I don't want pity. All I used to get when I was little was pity. Why am I upset. I'm crying right now, ruining mascara that I slaved over. I should stop. Shut up and stop. But I don't want to. When I feel sick, like while I'm in school. I never go home. I just wait until the end of the day, and then when I'm alone i collapse and burn. 'Cause that's how I am.
Sometimes I think that I try to fix other people's problems so I don't have to deal with my own. I love helping people, and distractions. I need distractions to function. Why am I like this? Is it me trying to run away from my problems? Sometimes I'm too focused on other people to look at moi, and then I get like this and it's eleven at night and i should be sleeping but I'm not and I want to crawl into a sleeping bag and zip it all the way up. But my whole premise of helping people is "do what you wanted people to do for you".
So basically I give all the love that I have, and some guts and a kidney. But most of the time, I get nothing back. and sometimes it's fine, most of the time i expect absolutely nothing. But then it's eleven at night and i need a sleeping bag.

My asthetic/ L.G's human! who woudda thunk?

read this puhlease! It's an amazing articale that I just read about mama Monster...it was hilarious. The journalist who wrote it, went out and got absolutely SMASHED with her. I now have a new goal in life...get smashed, with Lady Gaga. Am I effed up or what? But on a more somber note, Mumsy Monster might have lupus. The articale talks about it, and she said she got tested for it. You'll seriously have to read the thing, I can't explain it. It's kinda wierd ya know? 'Cause I always kinda viewed Lady Gaga as this unstoppable, almost unhuman presence. Nothing could faze her. When my dog died, she was still flouncing around in panties and stilettos, and she did an entire dance on the stairs...stairs freaking kill me. I don't do stairs...stairs don't get me cast in shows. I have to claw my way up stairs, and lack of railings cause me to faceplant..off them. I can't go down stairs with one foot on one stair. I have to take it one at a time, get the picture? And Lady gaga can gyrate on them, in heels.
when I read the thing about the lupus, I kinda lost my shit. Almost like when Micheal Jackson died, except wierder. The first thing I thought was "wow, she's as fucked up as the rest of us...she's fucked up, just like you..."
This week's been a gaga week for me. I've been reading a book about her, and in it, she talks about her asthetic, why she makes art, her niche. My asthetic is all the stuff that your parent's, don't want you to know. I write to shock and make people think, esspecially to thank the gays and the lovely transvestites of the world. I write to make people collapse on their beds, and squeal 'cause that make out scene they just read was so hot and so sexy that they can't take it. I write to expose people, to drugs and gay culture and theatre. I write for everyone.
What about y'all?

Lipstick Liberation

I've taken a sudden interest in make up. In my eyes, make up is about helping you love yourself, and deal with your imperfections. I don't care how much you spend on cosmetic surgery, no matter what you do, your stuck with the face god gave you. So, you might as well try to celebrate it. The thing I love about make up is, personally, it makes me a more confident person. It can help you see the beauty in your own face. It's one thing for a friend or parent to call you beautiful, but when you think it yourself, that's going somewhere. Makeup can help you do that. Some people view make up as shallow and vapid. When really, it's anything but. Make up is about celebrating femininty, and caring enough about yourslef put some effort into how you look.

rejection is a bitch

Guess im not in alice in wonderland....actually it's more like shitland now. Whatever, rejections a bitch, but she'll go away eventually. c'est la vie. share your acting fails via the comment box.

Um wow, I guess I'm back from the dead

Hi everyone. Happy new year, merry Christmas, and happy soon to be valentines day! Did I miss any other holidays? Jesus, it's been along time that I've written something that doesn't have to be attached to a rubric. Oh yes, I've been doing plenty of writing. But it's all school writing, school writing is much different as you probably know. It feels akward writing this returning to writing for absolutely no purpose.
So, lets not have a big build up, I got into Annie. I must have an ounce of talent in my bones, because over EIGHTY PEOPLE auditioned. They double casted the show. This means that when people looked at the cast list, forty were estatic, and forty were depressed an bitter. I was one of the happy ones. I was estatic actually. I screamed I jumped, I threw in the occasional scissor kick. I'm a chorus member, which means I'm an orphan and a new yorker and a warbucks staff member. This means I have lots of costumes, and songs that I get to sing and dances that I get to dance. I even need a script. I was setting myself up to just sing and dance every night, but now I get to say stuff too.

In case you need a little backround info, the follwing list is that of my previous theatrical endevours:

civic theatre camp 5yrs old
1 year of private voice lessons 8 yrs old
4 years of chior 10 until now
1 other theatre camp
1 audition that never happened.

And yet, I'm one of the forty happy ones.
happy friday I hope ya'll do something fun this weekend.